The Drip, a novel by Michael Gullo
“How do you do it?”
“Do what?”
“It’s still dark out almost, and you beat me here again?”
“You’re not accusing me of sleeping here, are you? You watched me turn right into the driveway as you were driving up the road.”
“No, not sleeping here, but do you sleep at all?”
“You guessed it, I’m a vampire.”
“Who’s that?”
“No clue. Gravel monster?”
“What the what?”
“Gravel crunching, not expecting someone… monster.”
“Weird.”
“It’s Cody, that’s his girlfriend’s car.”
“Girlfriend? He has a baby. And two women? I’m still trying to figure out how he got the first.”
“No, Meghan. They’re not married.”
“Gahhllee! I got my old lady to drive me in early, and you two still here before me.”
“Early worm gets the moist soil.”
“What?”
“Huh?”
“Nothin’. I’m weird. You two are early. I’m early. It’s the last day before Christmas, the end of Cody’s first full week, and he didn’t bomb out - Here’s that twenty I owe you, Tanner. You were right –”
“Ouch.”
“You bet against me, boss-man? That hurts.”
“Day’s still young. Let’s go get breakfast. Cody, you drive my car.”
“I can’t. I ain’t got no license?”
“Tanner, how’d you confirm his right to work without a license?”
“What?”
“Doesn’t that form ask for ID? And, Cody, get in back – drive to my worksite on Wednesday without a driver’s license. What’s wrong with you?”
“How?”
“You can park in the slip where the road Y’s, but I see everything, boy.”
“Didn’t see I ain’t got no license.”
“Ouch.”
“Why don’t you have a license?”
“Never got one?”
“What the hell?”
“Whoa! Is it running? You didn’t even start it.”
“Ha, no. That got me too the first time he had me chauffeur him around.”
“Made me a little sea sick not expecting to move.”
“Chauffeur? You call this chauffeuring? This is driving Mr. Magoo. Use the gas pedal.”
“It’s bumpy.”
“Do I look fragile to you?”
“--- Am I going right or left?”
“Well, Cody didn’t invite us to breakfast at his place, so I guess it’s right. Let’s sit down and get some eggs.”
“IHOP?”
“No, Seymour Grill. The soil scientist is coming, and I gotta get back.”
“Meghan loves that place. Frickin’ ’spensive though.”
“Don’t worry about that, it’s on me.”
“Baby eats free though. That’s nice.”
“Why didn’t you get a license?”
“I got too many tickets.”
“Wait, what? You never had one, right?”
“Well, yah, but don’t mean I don’t drive.”
“So, you drove without a license and got a ticket?”
“A lot.”
“You drove without a license, got caught and got a ticket, and then you drove again and got another ticket, or you got a lot of tickets one time?”
“I get stopped a lot.”
“Wait. You – present tense… Not your past. Got it. So now they won’t let you have a license?”
“No, they will now. I just gotta take the test again.”
“Again? Look, just spit it out, the serpentine reverse reveal one fact disproving the fact before it, constantly shifting baseline, it’s a migraine with cold coffee.”
“I don’t understand the question?”
“Do you think I can’t see what you’re doing?”
“It’s my own move. Play just dumb enough, render the info too costly. It’s a good one too. She falls for it every time.”
“I gotta take the test.”
“You drove Wednesday.”
“Ya.”
“I ain’t no quitter, Cody.”
“Why’s it matter?”
“Matters because I say it.”
“Who made…”
“Nope. Good try. Now I’m going to tell it.”
“Okay, dad.”
“Ouch.”
“What’s that ouch?”
“Private joke.”
“Tanner, shut up. Cody here thinks he’s got the goods derails my line of inquiry.”
“Line of queery?”
“Cute, shithead. Another good try. So, here’s you, everybody else got a license, and you’re like, I don’t need no license, I’ve been driving two year now, an’ I ain’t need it yet. But you got pulled over for the first time, god only knows whose car it was, and…”
“Granny’s car.”
“Driving Granny’s car, too young for a license. Did you steal it?”
“Ain’t stealin’.”
“Did you have permission?”
“No.”
“There you go, stole it.”
“Didn’t charge me stealin’ it. Charge was unauthorized use.”
“Hell! He got me. Did you see that Tanner?”
“Yup, I saw it. Boy’s good.”
“Cody, you little shit, you could run the Vatican you got so many distractions and half truths…”
“I…”
“No fuckin’ chance. You ain’t interrupting me again. So here’s Cody, driving Granny’s car.”
“Technically, I wasn’t drivin’. They got me at the Weigles. Granny didn’t know I had the car, and she called it in stole.”
“Jesus Christ! Driving. To the Weigles. Wait, what did you need at the Weigles?”
“Needed some backer.”
“Fuck is backer?”
“Dip.”
“Thanks, Tanner. And I’m glad you did too because this clown would have answered with a question…. What’s backer? Why you answering with a question? Why you asking the question, who don’t know what backer is…. And around and around. I hope this dude never has to call 911, the cars will be rusted out hulks in the intersection before he admits he knows the location.”
“Ouch.”
“Ouch is right. He’s agony. So, here’s Cody, at the scene of his various apprehensions…”
“Apprehensions?...”
“Cops asking to see his license, twisting their minds to wrinkles before they ever get to the point, shape shifting and wadding them up till they just give up and make him walk home rather than spend the next month trying to get the report written up. How many times was it, Cody, that they stopped you and gave up without giving you a ticket?”
“A lot.”
“Park in front, Tanner. So, little driver boy here rhymes his way into their warm hearts, and they let him go, but not everyone. Sure as shit someone stopped him more than once, more than a few times. Stopped his ass so many times that whoever owned that vehicle got pulled over more than just once because the cops got used to that ride and finding Cody in it.”
“Christy’s here, just grab the booth in the front. I’ll stay out here and smoke. Get me a coffee, a Coke, and an orange juice.”
“Told you he was smart. He got you pegged.”
“What are you talkin’ about? I had him a stuttering fool the whole way here.”
“Stuttering, maybe, but he works the ropes pretty good, and I wouldn’t go fool on the spar I saw.”
“Fool. Bro. I didn’t steal Granny’s car. And what’s all that cars rust out in the intersection? Dude can’t say straight what he means, so he invent image clouds.”
“And you tell lies.”
“Same thing. Image clouds. Match the energy.”
“You’re imagining the energy though.”
“How’s that? What business that man got on my status? This a job. He need a man run a machine. I need money. Trade.”
“But you’re not running a machine.”
“No, because he the one lies.”
“Wait. I’m the one hired you. Are you saying I lied and told you you’d be in a machine?”
“Naw, man, I’m.”
“Hey, kids. Thanks for the drinks, Tanner.”
“I ordered those.”
“Oh, thank you, Cody. But I told Tanner to do it. I like my instructions to be followed.”
“What the…”
“Don’t what-the me. I gave an instruction, and I expected it followed. Orange juice, Coke, coffee.”
“Actually, you said coffee, Coke, orange juice.”
“Look, you little shit. You’re smart. Smarter than the two of us put together, but what you have in smarts is what you lack in use of the information that you can gather up with that sick little fucking mind of yours.”
“Bro…”
“Don’t bro me. Listen to me. I’m going to tell you things you don’t want to hear, but it’s a good thing Tanner has you trapped in that booth corner there so you can’t run away from hearing them. You got a brain built for NASA and an attitude built for a long life of fiery suffering. Did you see that man die on that truck bed yesterday? Did you see that woman? Did you see his brother wants batteries, and the only thing I wonder is what’s the battery for? Does he have an AED somewhere needs a charge?”
“Fuck’s an…”
“Don’t you do it. Don’t you even fucking consider it. I’ll knock three of your black stinking teeth out right here at this table if you play with me right now. You’re a little asshole, and although I don’t know you, I know the world, and I know little assholes like you real good. I’m a pHd in fuckups like you. And one thing I know is you ain’t got this old in life and I’m the first person ever tried to help you. This whole fucking game is years of you beating that help back at all costs. You think you’re cute. I see your asswipe smirk when you answer, a lot, and if you think I didn’t see that Granny line was bullshit, you got another tooth coming. It’s not that you have a tell. No that would be a parlor trick, spot the tell, call the bluff. No mother fucker. It’s worse than that. You got a fucking disease. You can’t stop. If you’re speaking, you’re distracting. You spoke. Granny wasn’t a lie until right here at this goddamned table when you shrunk just a little bit because you know I ain’t playin with you. I’ll kick your ass right here and right now because you and I both know that when you put it out there like that, it don’t matter whether you gotta die on the spot, you gotta back up your word. So know this. If you smart mouth me one more second at this table - I don’t care about out there – at this table, in this place, in this moment, if you smart mouth me one time, you’re going to have to test that 911 notion of mine, but you’re going to have a drippy lisp while you tell your side to the Sheriff.”
“So, um, you didn’t tell me, you said it general.”
“Don’t you say it you little mother fucker. You say Ouch, and I’m going to die right here. Thanks for the drinks, Cody.”
“You’re welcome.”
“So you got no license, but they’ll let you get one now, and all you gotta do is take the written test and the road test, and you’re a licensed driver. What’s the hold up?”
“Mostly, it’s money.”
“I’ll ignore the equivocation. You can’t help that. How much money?”
“Well, I owe $79 for the last payment on the tickets, and the test is $30, so $109.”
“And that’s the only hold up?”
“Yup.”
“When we leave here, we’ll go across the street, and I’ll give $120 out of the bank, and you two drop me off at the… at. Drop me off. Tanner will drive you to go get your test taken.”
“Now, Oucher. It’s your turn. Something to consider because I’m a dirty pool playing son of a bitch. Do you remember the day we set up Master Craft Construction and Excavation?”
“Well, Ya.”
“Do you remember it word for word like fuckwad here remembers the drink order?”
“Word for word, no. But I remember it.”
“Do you remember that I told you this is not intended as only yours. And how I separated that statement from the talk about helpers, and how I don’t want scrubs, and not to suggest someone that you wouldn’t add to your business as a partner?”
“Um…”