The Drip, a novel by Michael Gullo
“Happy Monday, gents. Almost all of you know Stefanie. Stefanie, this is the good kid, Devin.”
“Hi there, Devin.”
“Me and Tanner are going to get a trailer. You kids follow Stefanie’s lead. And don’t dawdle. The dam is plugged and waiting. Seeya.”
“Love you.”
“I love you too.”
“Okay, boys. Does anyone want pancakes?”
“Well, Ya.”
“Yeah, right.”
“With blueberries?”
“Of course, Devin, they’re not pancakes without blueberries.”
“I’ll take mine without.”
“Ya.”
“Okay, two with, two without. While I’m at that, go out to that shed over there and start getting out all those boxes I packed up.”
“Like here?”
“No, put them on the porch out there. I’ll holler out when these are ready. Devin, you’re with me. In the living room, you have to finish wrapping and packing those dishes and box them up.”
“Bro, I tol you he rich.”
“The girls’d love it here. That dock is sick!”
“I just wanna go fishing.”
“I bet he don’t even own a rod.”
“Probably got ten.”
“Ima bring one tomorrow.”
“Cody, that man ain’t gonna let you fish, and it’s the middle of January.”
“So, what’s that mean? Fish still fish. They gotta eat, juss like us.”
“How she get all these boxes in here?”
“Bro, look in this one. It’s all earrings still on the store card. Deer-View Design Company. And he call me a thief. His old lady’s got boxes of stolen shit.”
“Get outa they stuff, Cody. Ain’t your business what’s in them boxes.”
“This one got bead necklaces.”
“Cody!”
“No, man. This man call me a thief, ’n here he is got a whole shed full of stolen goods.”
“Cody stop opening those boxes. I’ve already got four on the porch, and you’re sitting on your ass, shopping.”
“Well, why not? She stole ’em, why can’t I get a shiny thing or two for the girls?”
“Five boxes, Cody. Whole shed full. Let’s go.”
“Yeah, you go out there a sec. I’m right behind you.”
“Boys! Pancakes.”
“These are awesome, Stef. Thank you so much. The berries are perfect.”
“Yeah, so crispy.”
“How you make them fluffy like this ’n crispy too.”
“Do you cook, Cody?”
“Well, no. But I can tell Meghan.”
“It’s just Bisquick. Squeeze it in the pan and cook. When we finish, I’ll come out to the shed before the boxes get packed. I have a bunch of earrings and necklaces and stuff that I make and sell at craft shows. I’m super busy lately, and I haven’t been --- anyway, there are six ladies out there about to get a couple bags of loot.”
“You don’t gotta do that.”
“I’m doing it. And Michael ain’t from ’roun here, but I am, and I know how to dial it up too. Ain’t a damn one of you knows how to get his pride out of its own way, so the plan is Rusty picks Cody’s loot, and Cody picks Rusty’s loot – Devin, do you have a girlfriend?”
“I do.”
“Seven girls! It’s a party then.”
“This is a beautiful home, Stefanie.”
“I’m just glad we’re moving out.”
“Gahhllee, why? Must be a hundred rooms in here.”
“And that dock. My girls’d grow gills down there.”
“That’s the problem, not the dock, the rooms. We use three of them, and I’m pretty sure there’s not a hundred.”
“Could be a couple hidin’ you ain’t found yet.”
“Could be. This guy built a bunker downstairs.”
“Nuh-uh. He did not.”
“He did. Says he’s building one in the new house too.”
“Whar’s that?”
“Come on, I’ll show you.”
“You lyin’”
“A lady never lies, Cody. We tease. We torment. But we never lie.”
“My old lady lies.”
“Okay, we lie. Humans lie. A lot. It’s the most human of the human conditions. But a gentleman never calls her out – not to strangers.”
“Cept the po-lice. Neighbor call fer a fight, and you don’t point out she lie, you in lock-up before you had a chance get the bondsman number off yer phone.”
“That deteriorated fast.”
“Yeah, right.”
“That’s my sister. Cody’s right. She lies.”
“Never a walk down stairs more matched to the tone of a conversation.”
“Huh?”
“This is the Media room.”
“I knew’d it. You people is famous, just I don’t know you. Got a whole room just to meet the press.”
“Yer an idiot, Cody. Means TV room.”
“I was just kiddin, Rusty.”
“Can I just say, that bar is bigger than The Chatterbox on Chapman. Seriously.”
“That came with the house when we bought it. My plan was tear it out, and Michael wanted it to be a multi-generational breakfast bar area. Put in that stove top, and never removed the back-bar.”
“Best not let the gang at Dupont see that bar, they’d never say hello to you in the beer aisle.”
“How do you know I went to Dupont?”
“Hills got echoes.”
“Ears of God.”
“There’s bedrooms down here too?”
“Yep. Go right through that one. That was the old foundation wall. We cut that out and made this whole second basement --- go ahead. Find the bunker.”
“Well, this is it.”
“No. This is the normal part. The weirdo is hidden.”
“Always is.”
“Ears…”
“Don’t you dare. No way. You will not ouch God’s ears.”
“Dude, she’s got them in the annex basement now.”
“Annex?”
“Whatever. She’s got them searching out the bunker door.”
“That was pretty wild. I never found it, and I had hours down there moving out the tools.”
“It’s a good hide. Plain sight shelf works.”
“It’s that, but the whole room does the disguise. If it wasn’t a room full of shelves even in the middle, the shelves along the wall – I’d have found that.”
“It was a fun hide. Cody’s outside now looking in.”
“They won’t find it.”
“Devin touched it. He pulled at the shelf. I’m glad I put the pin in. I don’t usually leave it there.”
“Pain in the ass reach up and pull it out every time – you already have to open it, but then it’s the finger print reader. I wish I was there to see their face when they see that.”
“Are you serious? A hidden door and a bunker?”
“I’d tell you, but I’d have to get a discount.”
“I’m losing money as it is.”
“Tanner, if I had a nickel for ever dollar this man claims to lose, I’d get the truck and the trailer free.”
“I could use a new truck.”
“Well, find this guy’s cousin. Family affair losing money on things they sell.”
“I’m serious. I can show you the invoice.”
“No, don’t show me your tax dodge, my wife’s a revenuer, and I got enough trouble without being your coconspirator after the fact.”
“He got you there, Tom.”
“Hey, pipe down over there. I’m the one bought a shill with me. Tom here’s on his own. Dance, Tom.”
“Guy’s differnt, Tom. Look out.”
“He sees it, Tom. Tanner sees it. Come on. Get out the sharp pencil. Crayon pricing don’t work for me.”
“HAAAA! He found it!”
“Joo hear that? They found it.”
“Hang on --- Honey – can you hear me?”
“I hear you. Can you hear me?”
“It’s a little garbled, but pretty good. Cody, good work finding that.”
“Ya, it was hid good. This sick you got a finger print reader on here.”
“Hear that, Tom. Guy’s got a finger print reader on his bunker. Probly time tap out.”
“Honey, tell Tom here to take the check. I made it out for six thousand, and this guy thinks he’ll get seven fifty out of me with the invoice gag.”
“Not the best bit, Tom. He eats that one for fun. Bought four cars this year already.”
“And this is my third trailer here this month.”
“That Hummer’s one of them, ain’t it?”
“Is.”
“I’ll go the six.”
“I need a step down hitch and ball thrown in too. Hummer’s sixteen inches off the ground.”
“Thrown in?”
“Yup.”
“Fine.”
“Here’s the check, Jeeves. I’m headed to the house. Hook it up to your truck and follow along.”
“Did you just throw in a hitch, and you’re not even towing it out?”
“Yes, Tom. I did. Thanks for the reminder, man. --- home in ten, honey. Love.”
“Love.”
“Alright, Tanner back that up between the two sheds. We need to load the boxes first so the furniture goes on top so that when we get it to the storage unit the furniture goes first and the boxes on top of those.”
“Good eye, Stef.”
“Easy. I figure it’s going to be there a year, and I’ll need stuff. Might as well plan that in advance.”
“Pancakes, ha?”
“Yep. And you ain’t getting none. Tanner, hold up on that box. I gave the guys some stuff for their ladies. I set some aside for you, plus I picked her out something special as an engagement gift.”
“You got this under control. I’m going downstairs get things organized for stage two. Have them bring me the trailer when you’re done.”
“No way. Won’t be a square to spare when I’m done with it. We’ll go unload at storage, and then you can have it.”
“Guy buys a trailer, and she hooks it right out from under him.”