The Drip, a novel by Michael Gullo
“Hey.”
“Hey.”
“I don’t have long.”
“What wow and wonder awaits you?”
“Oh, my. You’re on the pipe early today.”
“I’m pretty jazzed up.”
“Well, I’m in chambers all morning - beg subpoenas and warrants.”
“The delta between our days couldn’t be wider – but I’m on evidence trails a little too.”
“Oh yeah? What’s Detective Derelict dialing up?”
“Gimme that pipe back.”
“Sorry.”
“I am on the hunt for GCs…”
“Don’t do it.”
“Those brothers from Townsend are coming today.”
“I think that’s just one guy.”
“Like a fake name?”
“No, old company. Generational thing.”
“You’re in paper, aren’t you?”
“Okay, Sherlock, I’ll bite.”
“You’re answering in onsies – Generational thing.”
“Now we’re working at the syntax level. Great.”
“Warming up.”
“Brother, sister, whatever this guy is, he’s in deep. Your plan won’t work though.”
“What plan’s that?”
“You don’t plan these things so much – you self sabotage. Don’t poison the well.”
“You got your own little pipe over there – talking in riddles.”
“Michael, you don’t even realize you’re doing it. Do not scare off the nice contractor man because even if you go to every contractor in the region and scare them off, you are not building this house. I will hire from California if I have to.”
“Great, then we get known-carcinogen stickers on every door frame.”
“Exactly, so Prop 64 is don’t goof con the GC.”
“How do you even know that? You were like four years old. And, goof-con. That one’s…”
“I’m busy – goof ball.”
“The guys just popped over the hill anyway.”
“Love.”
“Love.”
“Gentlemen.”
“Bossman.”
“Close the door – cat wants out – that’s a lot of bodies. You blocked my view of the moon.”
“Yeah, right. Look at it up there.”
“Mid morning and it won’t give up the night.”
“I know the feeling.”
“Tired, Devin?”
“Little bit.”
“Tanner, how’s your morning?”
“Here’s the invoice.”
“It’s your turn again already?”
“Yup.”
“Who gets the check?”
“I’ll take it, that’s Norman, N-O-R-M-A-N.”
“Oh, you want more turns at the books?”
“Aww, no, man. Keep the check. Ain’t worth all that.”
“You’ll be back soon enough.”
“Not if I have anything to say about it.”
“Rusty, this looks good. Try to copy paste less – Tanner road, Rusty Road, Cody Road – Needs more detail. Rusty, excavator, cut first day of back driveway retaining wall.”
“That’s a lot.”
“It’s the record.”
“That’s you work, bossman.”
“Me work is teaching you to right work, Cody.”
“Right to who?”
“Forty degrees out and Cody’s already at the forecast high – or is he chilling it?”
“Right, supposed to be seventy today.”
“It’s just you think we in school.”
“You are, Cody. And you can’t even appreciate that this time rather than jumping the hoops for F as the prize, you get cold hard cash.”
“I’m here to work.”
“No, Cody. I told you, and you agreed, you are here to learn how to run a business.”
“It’s a job.”
“Then quit.”
“What you mean?”
“I mean the company is the job. The work is compensated, but the job gets paid too.”
“Listen, I’m here to work too. I can’t start every day with you two bickering. Are we still on the dam?”
“Tanner checks in with his last nerve on high alert. You’re right though, buddy. Yes, dam. Cody. Quit or get back on the job.”
“Fuck you.”
“You’re in the skid.”
“Let’s go, boys. Hold the door till the cat goes in.”
“You were busy this weekend.”
“Good morning to you too, Devin. Run down to the grill. Let’s reset this.”
“Coffee, Coke, orange juice?”
“Tanner on myelin.”
“What the?”
“Myelin sheath. It’s the insulation on your neurons – last nerve.”
“Mine was better.”
“Mine was smarter – had the violin and everything.”
“At least you had sense to spiral upward this time.”
“Yeah. We’re all in school here.”
“D-plus at best.”
“Fair grade. So, kids. My thoughts look like this: You can see that I measured and cut the top bench for the house seat. If we continue this right, we’ll have a ninety-foot bench here at the top of the hill. Remember, it can’t be deeper than a four-foot retaining wall can hold. Cody you’re on spoils to the dam. Rusty, you’re on the cut. Change seats to cut boredom.”
“Me and Dev?”
“For now you and me are rough placing spillway culvert pipes. By the time Devin gets back, we’ll have those drawn out, and we can eat breakfast.”
“Yeah, so I see that you cut with the contour. Want me to continue that?”
“Yes, Rusty. I centered my cut at the high point. Do you see my tags on either end?”
“Yeah.”
“Those are your targets. Cut to the tags, and the whole thing will be ninety-feet, and it will slope from the high point downhill in both directions.”
“Carry the water where it already wants to go.”
“Exactly. Let me know right away if you find springs. Now Tanner, let’s go carry our water.”
“Did you know elevators smell different to little people? Now you do.”
“Now yours is better and smarter.”
“So, five pipe sticks.”
“Five and flexed. Let’s get them placed, and we’ll get them set. Once we know the path, we know the drop.”
“Either way, it’s forty-feet top to bottom.”
“Now you’re catching on. Forty feet of drop, one hundred feet of run. What’s that mean?”
“Well, it’s forty-percent something.”
“Angles?”
“How you figure that?”
“Me? I use math.”
“Is there a Google or something?”
“Oh, buddy. I’m sure there’s a website, take a picture and for the low, low cost of a data center plot point you get every word wrong, and half the solution a new problem to fix.”
“So, not Google?”
“Might as well hold your hand out and guess the difference between straight up and down and what you see.”
“I’d say twenty-five degrees.”
“Ya know, buddy. You’re probably right on that one – close enough for fifteen volumetric inches of water in a pipe heading down hill nearly fifty feet – probably kill ten men if they’re standing there when it opens up.”
“Can I pick the men?”
“Yes. You’ll get the blame anyway if you go in guessing, so at least scrape a win.”
“I don’t have a whole ten. Can I sell rights?”
“Absolutely. But you’ll need the disclaimer, past results cannot guarantee future outcomes. We could do this all just right and fail the petitioner’s aim.”
“Are we still fixing a dam?”
“I’m not sure. We don’t know what the hell we’re doing. We need a drain, and we need a big enough pipe. Old pipe was twelve inches. This one’s fifteen. Put ten feet of dirt over it and hope for the best.”
“I have a feeling, judging by past results, you’re not serious.”
“Nope. Safe Dams man will be here at ten. We need to lay out these pipes and tell him the plan.”
“Bet you used Google to find the phone number.”
“I used the mudslide Rorschach in my britches to find the right call to make. I can math this and tell you how many gallons will come out of that pipe at over capacity, full pipe, but there is a man whose whole job is to protect the world from these kinds of dams. Lesson one: Learn your lessons.”
“Good lesson. Lesson two, where’s this pipe go?”
“You have to spin it so the bell end is uphill and then place it up close to the spill end. Don’t connect them, there’s water coming out.”
“Like this?”
“Close. Put it on the other side of that Gum tree. Like that, yes. See how the Gum is right in the middle of the pipe? That’s so we can bury it and leverage it and bend it a little so it follows the hillside.”
“We need dirt.”
“Cody’s pouting still, but once he gets a hit tree or some other spiteful shit behind him, he’ll be ferrying loads over.”
“Why do you put up with that?”
“No choice. I hired MasterCraft Construction and Excavating, and I can’t do this without you guys at this point.”
“Okay- but why do I have to put up with it?”
“That part I can’t answer. Lesson three, and it’s a big one: In the construction world cost is high, but no cost will ever be higher than hiring to backfill after a bad start.”
“I don’t get it.”
“Buddy, there’s a whole aria here…”
“A what?”
“An aria. Blabbering. The short story – to coin a term – is just as I said. If you hire a company, and that company bombs out, even when it’s their fault, it’s your fault. Every replacement you hire to fix the mess will see the mess and price it as your fault.”
“Makes no sense.”
“Makes sense and dollars too. Lots of extra wasted ones. The new man will bid – if he even does that – the I dare you price because the only sure thing in his mind is that the homeowner was the problem – probably wanted a built in cotton candy maker or some fool shit.”
“You got a thing for cotton candy.”
“It’s sticky. It gets all over you. It’s like a spider web with a dentist bill on the inside.”
“So this next one. You want it placed?”
“I did until I realized we need soil first, or it’ll roll down the dam. Go get… Devin’s back. Let’s head over.”
“I ain’t eatin’ like this – move over, Devin.”
“Your elbow’s in my gravy.”
“I’m eatin’ on the porch.”
“Yeah, right.”
“Tanner, just put your thing on that basket.”
“That’s your laundry.”
“It’s a lid. I don’t put my underwear on the top of it.”
“Eat shit.”
“Rusty, close the door.”
“When are we building the workshop?”
“You imagine a banquet table in there, Devin?”
“Plywood board would be nice.”
“I’ll put that on the decorating list.”
“Got room in here for that scroll?”
“Tanner with the dead sea imagery.”
“Nope, I saw toilet paper scratchings – no plan permanent, each one hangin –--”
“No gravy, Kitty. Okay one pet. Me too, but I don’t want your furs in my biscuit.”
“I dunno.”
“My guess she ask four hunerd.”
“That one’s nicer.”
“You don’t think you movin’ the good trailer, do you? I been livin’ the red one near all my life, look up a whoever live above me in the white, bedroom window, there it is, all I see.”
“Yours is too old.”
“Rusty, Jed move out, and I’m move in. That’s the plan. Red one’s to rent.”
“Four hundred?”
“That’s what she charge me.”
“The well’s the thing now.”
“You got a busy day.”
“Three meetings - and those two.”
“I was at Cody’s this weekend to pick my sister up, and they got her little Honda spread all over the yard.”
“Window switch stuck?”
“Ha! That’s about the size of it. Fix what ain’t broke. I drove her to work, and when I brought her home, hood’s still up, parts still everywhere, bolts stepped into the mud, those two gummy-high on the porch. Lonnie ranting and raving about someone broke a key off his computer.”
“No toilet paper scrolls?”
“Sure, they had those, neither one of them can write though.”
“Wait.”
“No, not that way – though, have you ever read a Cody text?”
“You should see the bookkeeping.”
“They hate books.”
“I know, Tanner. I hope they’ll come around.”
“I’m hopeless.”
“Meghan be pissed we don’t get that car runnin’.”
“All we lack install the five wire.”
“We slide at lunch, meet Mrs. King, get the rent set, and we finish the car.”
“I got the girls at 2:45.”
“Bro got no teeth. We dip at 11:30. He ain’t say shit.”
“Two hours. That’s got it.”
“No gummies till yer done, Rusty. You ain’t can be trusted best judgement on them things.”
“Where’d he get those?”
“That Michigan man.”
“Them gummies ain’t right.”
“Righteous though.”
“So, um, we got the dam man, the well man, and a GC coming today?”
“I do. You’re on shill with the GC and listen-up with the dam man. We need that thing stuck and done this week. The Contractor don’t come until four, so he’s the end of the day.”
“I don’t have plans tonight, so all good.”
“The big goal is always the house. Longer that goes, the longer me and this cat live in a deep woods refrigerator box.”
“It’s better than all that.”
“Not much, and I gotta find a guy fast. Butler or no butler it’s miserable in here.”
“Rusty move over.”
“How much you pay for that lean burn?”
“Three-fifty with the five-wire.”
“That’s high.”
“It was yer idea, Rusty. I wanted the HHO.”
“Cody, yer crazy. Ain’t real anyway. Screw a mason jar full of baking soda to the engine. It’s a bottle bomb. Meghan up to speed, Layla in the back seat, WHUMP, glass all over the engine bay, fan blades shattered, belts mangled. Lean Burn’s the only way.”
“Never heard a that though. HHO works.”
“No it don’t, Cody. Lean Burn get you like fifty miles to the gallon, no risk. Whump get you a new motor.”
“Man think he bad drive around on sunlight. I drive free too.”
“Well, not free.”
“Still cheaper than stupid moon machine. Serious. You ever look close? Thing’s got moon etchings and the screen is set in moon frame – makes that wha, wha, wha sound supposed to be lunar lander. Ain’t real the whole thing; look at the video, that flag’s droop – Moon ain’t got no gravity.”
“Yep.”
“Moonshot Green. Hundred thousand Civics. I get a new one every day, ain’t spend half.”
“There’s the dam man. Nine-thirty. Right on schedule. Get those guys packed up and meet me down there.”
“And me?”
“You’re with me, Devin. Look out guys, coming through.”
“Bossman, who’s that?”
“You’d know if you didn’t set yourself apart during the morning meeting.”
“Asshole.”
“That’s not nice, Cody. You two back in the machines when you finish breakfast.”
“I was cutting those vines off the trees with Cody last Friday. You still want me on that?”
“That’s a good idea.”
“You Michael?”
“Troops behind me the clue?”
“Nope, you look like just the kind of guy to manage a dam on his own.”
“Good start. Yes, I’m Michael.”
“Claude.”
“Thanks for coming up. This thing has me worried.”
“Looks good so far.”
“Yeah?”
“First thing, the slope is right on the back side. Anything less than twenty-five degrees and it starts to rut out in the rain.”
“What do you call that slope?”
“I’ll measure it, but looks like thirty-degrees to me.”
“So, dumb luck so far.”
“Free board is right too. Two feet.”
“Hey, Tanner. This is Claude.”
“Tanner.”
“Hey.”
“Tanner’s my whippin’ boy. You find something wrong, it’s Tanner. The slope was me.”
“I bet the injury lawyer’ll see it the same way.”
“They’re so understanding.”
“Have you met him?”
“I’m a commercial developer with Fortune 500 land leases. I’ve met him and his troops. I just wish I had all that paper to stop up this pond.”
“That’d be overkill.”
“Amen.”
“So the visit is informal. You requested it. The State of Tennessee encourages me to do these unofficial inspections, and I’m required to tell you that what you really need is an engineer. Here is a list of every licensed specialist in the state – by county.”
“Awesome stuff. Thank you.”
“The point – this is your dam-Miranda. I’m not here in a professional advisement capacity. We just recognize the need to help homeowners that buy these old timebombs all over the state. The cost of one of those engineers is nothing compared to the cost when you let this thing collapse.”
“Wow, that’s not Miranda, that’s Upjohn.”
“Beheler, actually.”
“Did we go to law school?”
“Nope. I went to school at the witness end of a hundred subpoenas to testify at deposition that I warned the guy, and I gave him this little paper here.”
“I waive my paper too, the indemnification clause, and I still have to hire a lawyer and threaten to evict the tenant from his leasehold ownership if he doesn’t pay for my defense in his slip and fall nuisance case.”
“So you get the idea.”
“Yep. This is for information only. You give me talking points, and a list of professionals to stamp the paper I’ll waive in deposition when it fails.”
“Exactly. Plus, I save a couple lives along the way.”
“Honorable work.”
“Some days.”
“Let’s disabuse me of my deeper ignorance to stop the gap.”
“That’s the idea. First, I looked at it on the satellite map. Two things there. One and first. And not inspector talking: Don’t build this higher. Ever. It already collapsed once.”
“How do you know that?”
“I can see it in the photos. And now I’m here I can see it in the trees. Look. Do you see here on the hillside?”
“We were just…”
“Sorry to interrupt. You need to hear me.”
“---”
“The trees on the hillside. You can see they’re all Poplars and Sweetgums. Those are pioneer species – they fill open space first. These are all one age class.”
“I’m listening.”
“So, these here on the hillside, going up – then a huge White Oak, a Walnut, those are Climax Succession.”
“Natural Law school.”
“Point being, if you stand back and look, you’ll see these trees are in a scar through the mat of those tree colonies.”
“Rapt.”
“So, there was a slide here or somehow the land got exposed. The slope says it’s steep enough, but those poplars don’t grow on rock, and the Sweetgums run deep, so soil sliding off the rock isn’t likely. But look at the other side of the holler. Do you see it?”
“I see it…”
“Hang on, Tanner. Let him tell it. Sorry, buddy.”
“Do you see the matching scar on the other side?”
“We see it.”
“Those aren’t mudslides. Those are dam walls meeting the hillsides. The dam was nearly twenty feet higher, and where you’re cutting that road up there, that was the old road around the water.”
“Jesus.”
“Biblical anyway. A dam that big, even if it wasn’t at full pool, when it blew, it shot down this valley in a wall of water.”
“The steps. There’s a chimney down there.”
“I saw that. Can’t tell with them, but a pond that size would make it that far. This one wouldn’t.”
“So this is safe?”
“As long as you heard me, don’t build it up.”
“I was listening.”
“Not everyone does.”
“How about this one?”
“This one’s not a tenth of what that would have been. In effect, this is the puddle that last one left behind.”
“So this one gives the neighbor a wet yard?”
“And a couple Bass. Those look stunted.”
“Yeah, nothing in here worth catching, really.”
“Actually, a pond this size and age, there are probably one or two boss bass, and there’s food galore.”
“I first saw it in November. I caught a couple the second day I came up. Haven’t seen it in summer yet.”
“There’s rumors.”
“Oh, you’re a local, Tanner?”
“Yep. There’s rumors about this pond, that there’s big fish. I only fished it once or twice as a kid. I live over toward Boyd’s Creek, so this is out of the way.”
“You don’t lack much here. Good vegetation on the shoreline. You need to take out these trees at the edges and definitely off this top. You’re putting the spill pipe in the right place. That last one failed because whoever did it put it in the middle like that.”
“You saw all that?”
“Yup. Saw that mudslide too. I bet that’s why you called.”
“Do you do therapy too?”
“Nope.”
“Too bad.”
“So, you’re on the right track with that spill pipe. You’re planning to carry it all the way to the bottom of the dam, another good choice.”
“The pile of pipes.”
“We have a guy starting today, I could bring him over, but I bet he’d see that same stack.”
“What else?”
“You’re dumping in fill. The dam is already more than double the length as it is the height. It’s a good cork. Keep it up.”
“And call an engineer?”
“Yep. Now tell me about that bridge. That thing is gorgeous!”
“Come on, I’ll show you. Tell me dam fixes along the way.”