The Drip, a novel by Michael Gullo
“That Cody’s gonna be problems.”
“He’s smart. Like really smart. I try to preempt him, but he’s got them dancing boots on, and I can’t get a hold of his hand for all the steps and spins.”
“Can’t let him lead.”
“You try and stop him.”
“You do okay. I thought sure he’s out, and all the sudden you got him holding hands with men in the mud.”
“Epiphany.”
“More like you’re undiagnosed, but something ain’t right.”
“Man, you nailed that, Bill.”
“Oh, heya Stef. How’d you get in?”
“Broomstick carried me up, and here I find you two sitting on your ass in the shed, my whole crew didn’t show up. Forty-second birthday being the goal.”
“That’s four months, honey.”
“You’re supposed to be at the culvert pipe store with the boys.”
“Change of plans.”
“That’s the flavor, plan changes.”
“So, you stop in on your way to shop with the family, second day off, three to go, and my build your home work ethic is the subject you lead with?”
“Fine, working – from your ass.”
“Planning.”
“Where are the guys?”
“They’re on their way to Deno’s to get the company amended.”
“Let’s try this in English; you left the house three hours ago. The plan was solar finish, culvert pipes, and team building, transition to dam repair. Imagine my surprise I instead find you sitting cross leg on a table, and Bill in a lawn chair – and no raccoon on the inverter like you promised.”
“We got the solar finished, and…”
“Lead with the plan change. That looks like the headline here. Deno. Go.”
“You should have seen it, Stef. This guy’s sitting on the top step of the shed. I’m here in the shed, over his shoulder. The guys, all three of them lined up in the yard. Michael says, hold hands, and like they’re hypnotized they do it.”
“Like a circle, holding hands with Michael?”
“Nope, like kids at the principal’s office. He just spent thirty minutes setting them straight, gives them the vision, Cody pushing back like he’s dealt with Michael all his life, Michael talking to his own personality in muddy boots. It’s a mind melt.”
“Hand holding, Bill.”
“Don’t listen to this man, honey. You know he’s got the cauldron out, and here you come, broomstick imagery, and now he ain’t got the soup ladle out, he’s got the boat oar, and he’s stirring.”
“But the stir’s on you, and I like the spice. Go on, Bill.”
“So, here’s three grown men, country men, construction men, sure, so a gag gets a little runway on faith, but they’re holding hands, and you can see it – they feel every callus. Rusty’s sweaty paw, Tanner’s what-the-fuck-did-I-get-myself-into, Cody’s holler balls. It’s amazing. You can see it all.”
“Okay, you’re boiling over. Michael what is he talking about?”
“He’s doing fine. Careful what you ask for, you might just get it. Go ahead, Bill.”
“So Michael’s got em, and he knows it. He’s got em holding hands, but you can see the bond falter, and this guy goes, Do you Rusty take Cody and Tanner…”
“No, stop! Stop right there. You mean to tell me there was a wedding, and I wasn’t invited? Wait, tell me Cody said, I do.”
“Oh, honey, he did.”
“And now they’re heading to Deno’s to make it official?”
“Yup.”
“And all of this, I’m not on the guest list?”
“Stef, it was an epiphany wrapped in serendipity wrapped in opportunity…”
“Yeah, the zone, I know.”
“But I could hear the camera clicking on and off over my head the whole time, so it’s on the Ring, guaranteed. Look.”
“No, not your phone. I want my own copy of this. Nobody will believe me when I tell this story. I need the Reelz version. What’s the app called, Bill?”
“App Store, search Ring. Meanwhile what do we have going on here? You said five cameras.”
“Yeah, come on. I want one over at the pond and one over here near the bridge.”
“Freeze, stop right there, you two. Come back in here.”
“I know that voice, Bill. What did we do?”
“You’ll see.”
“Michael, I see what happened here…”
“What are you talking about?”
“Bill, I see what happened here. Michael, in all his wisdom and charm made sure he pointed out I don’t like the name Cat’s Ass Holler, but he does it showing he’s got control he only imagines that he has; he calls it Cat’s Ass Holler to me, and you see it irritates me. And somehow you think you come preloaded with the grace that I hand to him by way of being his friend, and you figure you’re going to have a little fun, Michael style…”
“What did you do, Bill?”
“Little Morgan le Fay over here, he named the wifi Cat’s Ass Holler.”
“Oh, shit Bill, that’s a good one. Now get it off there. You’re a child.”
“You’re both children.”
“I’m an adult.”
“Technically, like this lawn chair is furniture, but it’s not stable.”
“So did you get the app installed, or do you need Bill to do it for you?”
“You need both phones. You need to send an invitation from Michael’s…”
“Here, you do it. Michael give him yours, and I’ll watch him like an owl.”
“Don’t blink, this guy’s got jokes.”
“Hey kids. How’d that go, Rusty?”
“Those duck fries are awesome!”
“Um, deadly’s more like it. He hasn’t stopped farting since we left the restaurant.”
“I had to hold through all the paperwork. I let one squeak out when he asked for my license.”
“Gahhllee, I know’d it. You should have seen poor Deno, not use’ to it, and he says, I’m glad I didn’t get the shrimp, the waitress walks by with just as the stench hits.”
“I didn’t think it’d stink.”
“Give a guy the President job, and he imagine his shit don’t stink.”
“Ouch.”
“What’d you get, Tanner?”
“Treasurer.”
“Imagine Cody Norman, Vice President.”
“So you’re all screwed now. You’re stuck together with the pain of state sponsored separation hanging in the balance. If you think getting a divorce is a pain in the ass, you wait till you try to dissolve this thing.”
“We ain’t holdin hands again, bossman.”
“Nope, this guy been scratching his balls all day, and I’m not sure I don’t need shots after this morning.”
“That’s what we skipped, shots. Why dit’n I think a that while we was at lunch. Bar was right there.”
“You probably did, but my plan is working. Man gets responsibility, man grows up and realizes he can’t operate that excavator after lunch liquor.”
“What I’m doing on the ex?”
“Sitting on the tracks for the last of the speech.”
“So, um, no more word problems.”
“No promises. The main thing I want you guys to understand is that you gotta work anyway in life. And you can either get a job and pay the bills and if you get a better job, get bigger bills and ride the wave forever and ever, amen, or you can build yourselves a job. And that’s the math facing every man ever got his name on a business. Big, small, doesn’t matter. It started with a man wanted to make his own job. And that choice always faced the same wall. Where’s my paycheck come from? And you boys start out with that one licked. Your paycheck for the next year at least comes from here.”
“Yeah, right.”
“You are not my employees, you are the company I’m hiring to work this job, and I’m going to peg your pay at the agreed twenty dollars per man hour plus all basic business expenses, compensation insurance, telephone, bank fees for handling payroll and taxes, all of that. You pay yourselves whatever you want, but I highly suggest you pay yourselves less.”
“Whoa, bossman, I signed on at twenty, and I ain’t taking less.”
“I ain’t your bossman, you are. I’m just giving you advice. Your company will live in an incubator for at least a year, and in the end you will have had experiences you could never have hoped to have. You will build with a large budget, and you will experience things that only business ownership can teach. And you’ll do all of that without learning it at the barrel of desperation that many a man before you stood firing squad target to before you.”
“So, um, we can talk about that later.”
“That’s the idea. I have only one rule. And I ain’t playing either. And I have forgotten more about making and backing up and paying for my threats than all of you combined know to this point in life. I will pay anything to back up these words, so hear me clear. There’s a thing you don’t yet know, but that you will discover soon enough. The pay that you owe you is not the only sum you have access to. Any one of you at any time can walk into that bank and wipe out every account with nothing more than a smile and a pin number, but I promise you with every evil intent that I ever mustered in my life that you will pay until the day that you die if you do it. I put you men on each other’s neck, and that makes me the liable one – not liable for the money, but liable for the life that the damned embezzling fool injured with his theft. Not only will you go to prison for embezzlement, but I will… Listen, don’t do it. Don’t play with me on this. I’ve never said anything I was more serious about. Whatever you people do to one another is my fault. And I will make the victim whole with your ass.”
“You say threats big.”
“I know, Cody. You gotta save face, but let’s make sure you hear me. You don’t have to steal from these men. None of you does. You’re partners now. If you save and prepare and get ready for life as a team, there will be no need, and even if that need does come up, and the company is not ready to support the charge, I bet the team members will be. And even more, if it’s sooner than even that support group can provide, I will step in and help. I put you here. I will help you help each other. That’s what friends are for.”
(thirty fewer feet of mud between the truck and the task)